tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81477684465728958892024-03-02T13:33:06.438-06:00Wrecked MarriageA journey of a marriage wrecked from a husband's mistreatment, and a wife's adultery.Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-22215387549718727032021-08-08T13:33:00.003-05:002021-08-09T07:32:15.760-05:00Updates, it's been a while<p>8/8/2021</p><p><b><span style="font-size: medium;">To recap:</span></b> Things were looking up for about a week... end of June, I think June 30th was the day, she was crying at the thought of my daughter leaving home.</p><p><span></span></p><a name='more'></a>She hardly ever cries, this was significant and I told her that she was always a good mother and that we can rebuild our marriage, I need to address the adultery, etc. She said she wanted to. Over the next week or so, she had some very nice things, and good steps toward rebuilding. But a week later it stopped after I shared some pain about her adultery, she thought I called her unprincipled, I thought I said she was being unprincipled, and she pulled away, went silent, and things started to backslide. That was July 9th.<p></p><p><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Where we are:</span></b> It's basically worse than it has ever been. I'm in this very painful situation of feeling in 3rd place in her life priorities. As I mentioned before, it is extremely painful for me to see the effort, energy and ambition she has to put into her career while living with the comparison of how very little effort she puts into making amends for the cheating and putting the marriage back together.</p><p>Wed July 28th she gave me a very nice comfort, out of the blue a nice hug and some very nice words about being sorry for everything, sorry she hurt me, etc. I could feel my love tank fill up, hope restore, good feelings return. That was the last time she said anything to help heal the adultery. 11 days. This is after she said she wanted to heal things and rebuild the marriage. It is back to before where everything is just so passive with no action and no initiative.</p><p>I told her I feel very 3rd priority, and that there is no concern for my feelings. I also said I'm very concerned about her leaving for 5 weeks, this is very hard on me. The response is just like it has been... nothing. No words of comfort, no words of reassurance.</p><p>We're at a crossroads now with her leaving next Sunday for 5 weeks. I really don't see a path forward and so for me it is basically just getting the stones to file for divorce. I've already seen a lawyer, I know what it will look like.</p><p>It is very frustrating and hurtful because she can fix this easily. All she has to do is come to the table and put forth an effort. I am so tired of telling her things... she doesn't want to hear them, she takes very little action, and in general doesn't want to deal with anything.</p><p>I feel like with some small exceptions, we have made very little progress. If these 5 weeks go the way I think they will go she will ignore me, she'll call and never mention any concern about my troubles, she'll be irritated that I'm not telling her how happy I am for her, etc.</p><p>My plan is just to let nature take its course. While she's gone I'll do some work on divorce papers, do some thinking about next steps without her, that kind of thing. I don't have much choice in the matter any more.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/mixed-feelings-these-next-few-weeks.html"><< Previous Post</a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-25653649528565894942021-06-27T10:07:00.001-05:002021-08-08T13:35:16.642-05:00Mixed Feelings These Next Few Weeks<p>6/27/2021</p><p>I have an adult daughter (the one who was sleeping on the couch while my wife was <a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/my-story-part-2-of-3.html">getting her sex on with that guy</a>). She's 19, graduated high school but still fairly immature, just working jobs in retail. Daughter tells us that end of July she's moving out of state to live with her friend's married sister.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>She's moving, as in moving out and starting her life. It's difficult as a parent because there is no plan, no ambition towards anything, just moving out to enjoy life. I asked her if the drama between her mother and me was the reason of her moving out, and she said yes. She said she wanted to move out of the house, but moving out of state was a fun adventure. I kind of get it, and in a way I'm proud of her. Making a change like this is going to teach her a lot. I wish I knew these people better (I've talked with the friend, that's all) but that's fine, if she ever wants to come home she is always welcome.</p><p>Since Daughter told us this, Wife and I have made it mostly about her. Spending time before she goes, helping to pack, I'm shopping for a sentimental daddy-daughter gift/jewelry, etc.</p><p>My feelings are mixed:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>I'm proud of daughter. Making a change takes courage and I'm sure she'll have fun.</li><li>I'm disappointed. When I thought of her moving away it was for school or a new job or some pursuit for her future.</li><li>I'm worried for her. She could get hurt, get mixed up with the wrong people. It feels so sudden.</li><li>There is zero attention focused on the marriage or the adultery, which makes me sad.</li><li>Things are going exactly as I predicted, and Wife truly has no intention whatsoever of making ammends for the adultry and working on the marriage</li><li>I'm wanting to stay in the marriage less, but am unable to share that because we don't talk and I'm tired of bringing things up.</li><li>I'm getting clarity on a very basic boundary I have, which is "I can't stay in a marriage where there is unresolved Adultery."</li></ul><div>So there is a lot of emotion going on this past week, and for the next few weeks.</div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/i-promised-wife-i-would-move-but-i_26.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/08/updates-its-been-while.html">Next Post >></a><br /></div><p></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-12182936707005315912021-06-26T10:16:00.002-05:002021-06-27T10:08:24.163-05:00I Promised Wife I Would Move, But I Didn't Promise I Would Do All The Work Pt 2/2<p>6/26/2021</p><p>We're not moving yet, and the reason is that I would have to really put in a ton of effort to make it happen before she leaves for her orientation. To make this happen I would have to take initiative and lead some of the efforts. I was honest and told her that I could not do that.</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p>I told her I will participate in the move. I will look at houses, give my opinion, help pack, move, etc. as she asks me too. I am not willing to take ownership or lead any of the efforts (basically I'm not going to scour the real estate listings, I'm not going to make calls, I'm not going to jump through hoops for anything.)</p><p>I suspect this may have upset Wife (I don't know for sure, we don't really talk) but my feelings are that I'm willing to move like I said I would, but that doesn't mean I agreed to do all the work. What happened was we discovered buying a house is difficult these days, it is a seller's market. Houses come available for only a day or two, and you have to be ready and prepared to visit the house and make an offer on the same day.</p><p>For some of my part I said I would secure the financing, but that's been a challenge. I called and got an application started and the gal told me they are so busy everyone is behind, it will take a few days to get back to me (low interest rates, everyone wants a loan). After 3 days I realize I'm going to have to call and follow up, possibly work with other lenders, I'm going to have to figure out where to get cash to float until our current house sells, basically lots of work.</p><p>I told Wife I can't do it. With the marriage in the state it is in I don't feel like we're partners and I'm emotionally not in a place I can lead this. She understood and asked me if I would be ready in a couple weeks, and I said "I have no idea where things will be in a couple weeks, I would love to be able to partner and do this because that means we're rebuilding the marriage." And that is where the conversation stopped.</p><p>Since she is out of town for 6 weeks in August, it just isn't realistic. We then agreed that it probably won't happen until next Spring, she is still going to monitor the listings and I'll work with the bank when they call. Who knows what the future will hold but the move will wait for a few months.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/i-promised-wife-i-would-move-but-i.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/mixed-feelings-these-next-few-weeks.html">Next Post >></a></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-20134211477654947132021-06-16T07:33:00.003-05:002021-06-26T10:19:02.017-05:00I Promised Wife I Would Move, But I Didn't Promise I Would Do All The Work Pt 1/2<p>6/16/2021</p><p>One of the problems in our marriage is that Wife wanted to move somewhere different, and I didn't care to. I was somewhat against it I guess but not so much dig my heels in and fight it, more like drag my feet and avoid the subject. This really hurt Wife, she had other issues going on and I wasn't there for her.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Moving into another house is one of the big issues that came up after D-Day, and I felt bad. Yes I was (still am) very hurt over her adultery, but my faults stand on their own and need to be atoned for. So I agreed to move, but I told her I would need a little time to re-calibrate.</p><p>Wife is out of touch and she's thinking I need only a couple weeks to get right with things, so she starts looking at houses maybe two months or so after D-Day, and I can't even think about that. She plays it cool and drops it for now.</p><p>Fast forward a few more months and she's talking about it again, and I told her that yes, I agreed to moving and will be open to the location, I have just a few requirements that I need and she can choose everything else. So I agree to move and I don't hate the idea, but emotionally I'm not in a good place yet.</p><p>In the meantime she's thrown herself full-steam ahead into re-starting her career and has been 100% busy from that, she got her education and her licensing and all that up to date, and started applying to places. With a rocky marriage and a career revival, Wife decides that she must also pursue her desire for moving.</p><p>She gets more serious, gets in touch with realtors who start calling, someone comes out to the house to get ours put on the market, we buy some landscaping services, hire some workers to get the house ready, she starts receiving emails for listings, etc. All the while I'm watching this unfold and wondering what she's thinking about plans and details, and still nursing a deep hurt that she has time and energy for everything else other than dealing with the adultery and rebuilding the marriage.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/wife-got-job.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/i-promised-wife-i-would-move-but-i_26.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-64408709411342788052021-06-09T17:21:00.001-05:002021-06-16T07:34:20.067-05:00Wife Got the Job<p>6/9/2021</p><p>Wife got the job and I am proud of her. I know the good feeling when passing an interview and being selected. It is a good feeling and I'm very happy for her.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>However, I also know that it is likely the end of any chance at reconciling. This is what the rest of the year is going to look like:</p><p>The new job starts in early August, so that's like two months from now. In the meantime, Wife wants to move and so I see the next 8 weeks to be a mad rush of getting things ready, looking for another house, selling our current house, generally I don't know how a person could accomplish that in 8 weeks but she'll want to try.</p><p>Then when the new job starts, it begins with 6 weeks orientation and training, out of state. There are weekends free to come home, which might happen once, and I might go see her on a weekend, but she'll be really busy.</p><p>Then late September she'll be hitting the road and travelling about half time. She'll be busy, there will be a lot for her to do.</p><p>Here's the interesting thing... when she was throwing herself full speed into restarting her career, I told her I was happy for her, but I told her that the marriage was already rocky and needed a lot of attention, and once she starts down this path I said I was concerned that any reconciliation is going to stop. It will take a big back seat to her career. I think three times I had said this, each time was an opportunity for her to correct me, or tell me otherwise, something... and she never did.</p><p>So, I had been giving it time, holding out hope that she would be willing to come to the table and help rebuild the marriage. So while I'm still not giving up yet, I'm getting a clearer picture that the marriage is over.</p><p>I'm sad about it but at the same time this is a good thing. The money isn't very good yet, but she will advance and increase, and this does solve a big concern of mine of having to continue alimony while trying to carve out a retirement for myself with whatever is left.</p><p>So I'm proud and happy for her, but it is a mixed feeling.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/wife-job-update.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/i-promised-wife-i-would-move-but-i.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-13348726619797699072021-06-08T16:10:00.001-05:002021-06-09T17:22:31.008-05:00Wife Job Update<p>6/8/2021</p><p>Wife said the interview went well. This is the next day and there has been no update yet, which isn't surprising. In most cases no news is good news, because a rapid answer usually means "no."<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Now I find myself wanting to be Wife's biggest cheerleader, rooting for her, wanting her to succeed and get this job. But the difficulty is the mixed emotions I feel... I had figured out months ago that as she was re-engaging her career, that any work on the marriage would just stop and so far I've been correct.</p><p>So here we are, waiting to hear about the possibility that she'll get hired and be on her way to a full career and good salary having started back up in her 50's. It is a really encouraging story, really cool thing to be able to do, and an accomplishment to celebrate but it basically means we're done trying to reconcile.</p><p>Although I don't think there is much loss here, I mean she was probably done reconciling months ago. She wants a fresh start, no going back, only looking ahead. Let bygones be bygones.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/wife-has-job-interview-tomorrow.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/wife-got-job.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-21863926685477926762021-06-06T16:19:00.002-05:002021-06-08T16:11:23.222-05:00Wife Has a Job Interview Tomorrow<p>6/6/2021</p><p>I'm in a strange place with this interview. It doesn't pay that much but it is a foot in the door. I have two emotions going on.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>The first emotion is that I want her to get the job. I want her to start working, kill it and move up, and earn a good salary. I want her positioned so that she doesn't need my financial support at all. If she is gonna stay M, it is because she wants to stay M, and not because she needs my financial support.</p><p>The second emotion is where I don't want her to get the job, but it is because I'm hurt and offended that she devotes all her time and effort on preparing for a career, and had zero effort to read a 100 page book I wanted her to read. So it is selfish and ultimately not the outcome I want, but because I'm hurt at her for not making any effort for the M, it is a very childish emotion I'm nursing.</p><p>I do expect her to pass the interview, others have said this company is really ramping up people and it is likely she will get hired.</p><p>Either way I guess I will satisfy some part of this emotional mess.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/theres-peace-in-house-but.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/wife-job-update.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-52103280489903213212021-06-04T13:05:00.002-05:002021-06-06T16:20:07.350-05:00There's Peace in the House but...<p>6/4/2021</p><p>We have peace but we're not getting closer. I'm giving it time, I'm not sharing hurt or pain, but it is finding its way out through me being somewhat passive-aggressive.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>The past week she has told me that she wants me to be more present and participating in planning the future, moving to a different city, looking ahead the next steps. I told her that I'm still healing, and that it is difficult for me to fully engage while I have this hurt. That stops the discussion.</p><p>This is the same pattern. She asks for something, and I'm totally honest and say I need healing, then she goes silent and avoids me for a few days. Then, rinse/repeat. I would love if she would respond with "Honey, I'm so sorry, I want to help you through this hurt, I want to support you through the pain, tell me what I can do, how can I help us rebuild." But she's simply not ready to do that.</p><p>So we have peace but nothing is getting resolved. I hold out hope that she will come to the table ready to reconcile, and so I wait.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/d-on-hold-for-now.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/wife-has-job-interview-tomorrow.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-57612123570187957312021-05-28T15:50:00.001-05:002021-06-04T13:06:29.700-05:00D on hold for now<p>5/28/2021</p><p>Update... D is on hold for now. Wife approached me and said that she was sorry, that she doesn't want to D and wants to work things out.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>She is in IC with her own issues. Part of what she wants is to not talk about the adultery ever again. This isn't something I can do. I know that if we rugsweep this, it is going to come back again.</p><p>I told her I also want a clean slate, but I don't know how to get there. I can't just rugsweep it.</p><p>We agreed to take a break. Not talk about anything for a bit and let things mellow and cool. I believe that is what is best right now regardless. She did agree at one point for an additional healing step.</p><p>My IC said that his concern for this approach is that we likely would never reach the level of intimacy that a marriage is supposed to have. And she will likely never go back and deal with the adultery with me.</p><p>So we have peace now, and in some ways this is a good thing that she's going back to work because no matter what, her earning a salary is a good thing no matter the outcome.</p><p>Now, possibly she will decide she wants to improve our marriage and she might have a change of heart. But likely not.</p><p>So as I think about this, I believe the adultery is going to come up again. I have a resentment that I'm just putting on hold, and it has nowhere to go. If we do end up moving to D at least her salary will change the financial picture, and I can probably get out of having to pay any alimony.</p><p>As I think about it, getting positioned so there is no alimony, that's worth waiting a few months to a year for. I'm really hoping things change but I'm tired of bringing it up.</p><p>It's horrible. The Dr. refilled a bottle of Ativan, I've been taking it every night this week to help sleep.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/we-might-not-be-ding.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/06/theres-peace-in-house-but.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-54505669354873429332021-05-26T07:42:00.002-05:002021-05-28T15:51:05.763-05:00We might not be D'ing<p>5/26/2021</p><p>Quick update for the journal... wife and I are talking, we might not D, not sure how it is going to go but we're talking...</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/thoughts-on-marriage-counseling.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/d-on-hold-for-now.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-6269774879909653342021-05-24T16:50:00.003-05:002021-05-26T07:42:58.223-05:00Thoughts on Marriage Counseling<p>5/24/2021</p><p>While I'm waiting to emotionally process this mess, I volunteer to this journal that I feel marriage counseling made things a whole lot worse for me.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>If you just found out about your spouse's affair, I suggest doing individual counseling (IC) for a while before considering marriage counseling (MC). My experience with MC did offer some help, but in the process did a lot of harm.</p><p>IC is about you. The client is you. Decisions are made for what is best for you.</p><p>In MC, the client is the <i>marriage relationship</i>. The treatment is based on whatever the therapist feels is right for the <i>marriage</i>. In my situation, the therapist felt it was best not to first address the adultery, but to deal with my wife's lingering issues. She (the therapist, also a woman) said that it would be in my best interest to "yield to win."</p><p>So imagine being in session, me sitting there while Wife talks about the things that bother her, things I've done and said, describing, crying. The therapist looks at us, slowly shaking her head back and forth, every few sentences stopping to say to me "How do you feel about that? How does it feel to know I hurt my wife? What words come to mind? Shame? Look at her and tell her."</p><p>This is like 4 weeks after D-Day and I'm still trying to come to terms with another guy between my wife's legs. With that huge burden, and then having to come up with an ability to empathize with my injured wife. I feel like I was re-traumatized and it made getting over the adultery a lot more difficult.</p><p>I have since learned from another therapist that our MC should have given more treatment to the most recent injury. I also did learn some things about myself that launched into some IC of my own, my own improvements and healing.</p><p>But what made me quit / fire this MC was just how one-sided it was. Even Wife recognized it and agreed with me. MC was much more critical of me and the words I used than Wife. One time when I was describing a situation, she double-checked with wife "Do you agree that's how it happened?" However, when it was Wife's turn, MC never double-checked with me, she just took it face value what Wife said.</p><p>MC made sure to punctuate that Wife does not have to answer any of my questions. I can ask, but she has the right to not answer. Now you would think that MC would, in the spirit of healing, encourage Wife to answer as much as she could. But that isn't how it went. I feel this empowered Wife to rugsweep.</p><p>But what really hurt is I never got a turn in session. I never got a turn to talk about the adultery, what it meant to me, the pain I feel, the loss I suffer. Wife was never asked to describe her feelings about it, was never asked to "look at me and tell me." I never got a turn, I don't know why and never will. I cancelled all future appointments with that MC and never went back.</p><p>So unfortunately I don't recommend MC for anyone new to infidelity. You might get lucky with a therapist who gets it, or you might end up like me, and find yourself worse for the wear.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/wife-said-we-should-d.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/we-might-not-be-ding.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p><p><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-65054458068224456312021-05-23T10:50:00.004-05:002021-05-24T16:50:49.305-05:00Wife said we should D<p> 5/23/2021</p><p>In a surprising twist, Wife seemed to have lost her patience with me and this morning told me "maybe we should D." Now, I probably put the idea in her mind because yesterday I told her that if she's not committed then I want honest answers, rip the band-aid off, I'll be OK.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>What led up to it was a discussion about the past several months. She's very frustrated at what she calls a "hostile" home environment, which I acknowledge. I have told her I have a need:</p><p>I need to share my hurt and pain. What I need is comfort and reassurance. A hug, some kind words telling me she loves me, not to give up, it won't happen again, she's sorry.</p><p>She generally refuses to do that. When I'm upset she has rubbed by arm, foot, sometimes a kind of half-hug, won't really say anything. Basically isn't willing to be a healer. So I get frustrated and try again later, she rejects me, then we end up having a destructive discussion. I bring her a bid maybe once a week, maybe every 5 days. I grow frustrated and hurt, she ignores me, and then a week, week and a half later we end up having this destructive conflict where nothing gets resolved.</p><p>She doesn't understand why I need to hear her say things like "I'm sorry" and "It won't happen again." I did some research and sent her a message about the trauma, about how my brain tries to compensate for being wrong (it never thought Wife would cheat, and it was wrong) and so it is in a mode where it wants to know that the marriage is safe, that she's safe, and I won't get hurt again. That's why hearing words like "I'm sorry" and "It won't happen again" are so comforting to me. I went on to write that this has to do with healing, and really nothing to do with shame or the adultery. It is a healing stage, and I think it will pass if I can get what I need.</p><p>This morning I tell her that I slept OK but with periods of worry that I'm going to get rejected again, that I'm scared to bring up the hurt that I'll get rejected again. She said "Sorry you're hurting" and I walked over to her in bed and kissed her on the forehead. I was so hoping she would say something, anything, instead she just silently looked back at me. The look of disappointment on my face must have been obvious because she said "Ok, right now, what you are thinking right now?" I said "I'm a little hurt" and she jumped out of bed and said "It always has to be your way, doesn't it?!?" I grew louder and said "No dammit, please stop fucking saying that!".</p><p>A few more words exchanged, she blurts out "I don't think this is going to work. I think we should go our separate ways. Rip off the band-aid." I told her I didn't want that and so would have to lead that effort.</p><p>Before she left for church she said we can talk this afternoon about what this all might look like and I said "We need to. But let me offer again, as I have before, we have a do-over, start from scratch, start from the top, new therapist, everything. I don't know what else to do or say, and you're not telling me anything."</p><p>So, I might be D'ing. It feels scary but I don't want her to be unhappy.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/will-i-be-rejected-part-22.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/thoughts-on-marriage-counseling.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-39880863657647586762021-05-19T16:04:00.001-05:002021-05-23T10:51:42.960-05:00Will I Be Rejected Part 2/2<p>5/19/2021</p><p>Follow up to a previous post, you can read it: <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/will-i-be-rejected.html" target="_blank">Will I Be Rejected?</a></p><p>The answer is no I wasn't, although I think she skimmed the article at best. On Sunday 5/16/2021 after a late lunch, she initiated a discussion about it. I didn't really know what to expect, and while I didn't get a gushing revelation where she was in tears and a sudden change of heart, a few things were very encouraging:<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>She initiated some privacy to talk. This is unusual, typically we will talk in the family room and she welcomes any interruption by the kids, invites them to stay and talk, etc. I love the kids but I also feel she welcomes them to sit down to avoid having to talk to me. So the fact that she initiated a private discussion is huge progress, I think.</li><li>We talked past an hour. Typically she is chomping to leave the discussion after 20 min, and anytime between 30 and 60 min she's reminding me our time is up.</li><li>She stayed with me all night, after our talk we had some intimate time and then she came to the family room with me to watch TV. A typical ending to our talk is she just leaves, and kind of stays away from me for a while. So again, this is huge progress.</li></ol><p></p><p>Now she didn't totally "get it" with being a healing force for the marriage, and she still didn't initiate any ideas or action plans. She didn't really talk about the article, didn't ask me anything, or any questions about it, or ask how accurate things were, etc. But she did agree to keep trying. Baby Steps I guess.</p><p>I meet with my IC this week, she presumably has another meeting with her IC, so we'll continue on.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/its-what-she-doesnt-say-that-hurts.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/wife-said-we-should-d.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-80779325228862051012021-05-18T20:30:00.004-05:002021-05-19T16:05:57.433-05:00It's What She Doesn't Say that Hurts<p>5/18/2021</p><p>My wife is putting in tons of effort to re-engage her career. After 18 years of being a stay at home mom, in the wake of the adultery, she feels it is time to do this.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>I have no problem with this, having some extra money is a very good thing. However, I have had this thought that her passion interest in her career is so that she can be in a better position to divorce. Should we divorce, I'm not against this either because the more money she makes, the easier it is on me with spousal maintenance / alimony. But this isn't what I want, I want to make it work.</p><p>She went gung-ho on getting back to work without talking about it with me or how I felt about it, she just made the decision and started on it full speed ahead. This means she is networking, making calls, studying, getting back up to speed, going to training, etc. and it is very hectic around the house with her activities. She's got books all over the place, calls from people constantly, she's really busy with it. Generally I would have expected that we would talk about this type of thing first, but with adultery all bets are off.</p><p>She started this pursuit maybe 3.5 months after D-Day, and fixing the marriage didn't really have much initiative before, and it has even less now. I have told her that I have a huge concern that with her going back to work, the marriage reconciliation is going to take a big back seat.</p><p>Here's what kills me... after I admit something like that, I would have thought that her response would be something along the lines of "Oh my gosh, no... I have every intention of keeping this going" or "No, not at all, I don't want you to feel that way" or "I love you, I want to make this work, but this is one of my last opportunities" or something like that. You know, hear what I'm saying, address my concern, use a little empathy, bring us closer.</p><p>Instead the response is a much more sterile, cold, "Huh, intersting." I have also gotten "Yeah, I understand that." This has happened probably four times now, and each time it doesn't change, she has responded very coldly.</p><p>The last time this happened was just today. She's starting to prepare for interviews and buying interview guides and paying for websites and coaching, and I said "Well, it won't be long now before you get hired somewhere, where do you suppose that leaves us?" "What do you mean?" "Well I kinda figured that all of our marriage efforts will stop, and as soon as you made a workable salary, you'll be outta here." Predictably, she responds with "I'm sorry you feel that way."</p><p>And that's about it, no emotion, no empathy, no care, just... nothing. There's nothing I can do with. I have very little to work with here.</p><p>So it's what she doesn't say that hurts. It hurts because my feelings aren't important to her. It hurts because we don't grow closer with these discussions. It hurts because it forces me to confront that the marriage might be over.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/will-i-be-rejected.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/will-i-be-rejected-part-22.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-81926436026035628162021-05-15T22:31:00.002-05:002021-05-19T16:06:46.436-05:00Will I Be Rejected? Part 1/2<p style="text-align: left;">5/16/2021</p><p style="text-align: left;">I don't believe my wife is ready to reconcile after the adultery. We have tried counseling (didn't work for me, I'll have to update on that) but not much else. It has thus far been a huge disappointment for me.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>We were doing a daily de-stress meeting, daily check in meeting. I stopped initiating them, and so they stopped</li><li>We were doing the love mapping Gottman cards daily. She initiated the discussion a couple times, but then I stopped initiating them, and those discussions stopped.</li><li>I have suggested doing a workbook together, doing some marriage activities, or taking an online course, and she didn't want to do any of them.</li><li>In a previous post I mentioned how she would not take an hour and read a <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1621096199&sr=8-3" target="_blank">book</a> I had suggested.</li><li>She has not shown any initiative in getting informed on adultery or recovery</li></ul><p style="text-align: left;">That's a little background. There is a lot more there, but that should be enough to appreciate the invitation I gave her yesterday. A week ago I asked if she would be willing to read an article, and then follow up with me for a discussion. She said yes.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Yesterday (Friday) afternoon I sent her a copy of this: <a href="https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/">Things that every WS needs to know</a> I didn't send her the link, I printed a pdf of just the article as I'm concerned that site would be too much for her. I sent her an email that this was a harsh article, I didn't mean all of it for us, but I highlighted some sections I wanted her to understand. I said the whole article is about 10-15 min. to read.</p><p style="text-align: left;">In my email I concluded with this message "I'll assume you have not read it until you tell me otherwise. I will not ask." It is totally and completely in her court. She said she received my email and that she would read the article.</p><div style="text-align: left;">I would love a discussion about the article, about how I feel, and what it is like. Perhaps she'll say she read it but it wasn't helpful to her, maybe she'll say it was too long and if I have anything shorter. Maybe she'll be inspired and ask for another article to read.</div><p style="text-align: left;">I think the worst response would be for her to just ignore it. I'm not expecting her to ignore it, but I can see something else coming up that takes priority and she never gets to it.</p><p style="text-align: left;">The possibility is there for a rejection, and each time you would think it gets less painful, but it doesn't.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I will post an update when I've got one.</p><p style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/im-not-sure-were-reconciling.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/its-what-she-doesnt-say-that-hurts.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p><div><br /></div>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-7280522735247563892021-05-15T11:42:00.004-05:002021-05-15T22:32:06.131-05:00I'm Not Sure We're Reconciling<p>5/15/2021</p><p>It takes two to make a marriage work. I feel like I'm the only one working, but I'm not really sure what it is supposed to look like. She is working on the marriage in her own way, she is:<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>giving me space around selling our house and moving (she's wanted to move for years)</li><li>treating and speaking to me nicely</li><li>being sensitive to triggers and reminders</li><li>praying for hers and our healing</li><li>open with me regarding her whereabouts and coming-and-goings</li></ul></div><p style="text-align: left;">She's made requests of me:</p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Asked me to hire out a bunch of work around the house to get done. I did.</li><li>She wants to move out of state. I have agreed to</li><li>She wants to move to a condo on the beach. Still a trigger for me but I said I would work on it to be able to. I would need to buy/rent a studio for me and she was OK with that.</li><li>She wants to talk about the future. I have if she brings it up.</li><li>She wants me to let the past be the past, forgive her and move on. I'm trying.</li></ul><p></p><div style="text-align: left;">I have made requests of her:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Agree to be a healer. She has told me she isn't sure she can do that, that only God can do that.</li><li>Attend IC to learn how to be more empathetic to me. She has attended her first session</li><li>Talk about my hurt and pain. She let's me talk but rarely shares. It is very unsatisfying for me. She calls it a lecture, calls it negative and unhelpful.</li><li>I suggested she read the Linda MacDonald <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1621096199&sr=8-3" target="_blank">book</a>. She has not, I finally took it back from her nightstand after about 3 months of it collecting dust. I'm disappointed, it's a very small book.</li><li>See our circumstances as "Affair counseling" vs. "Marriage counseling" and she has told me she is not able to.</li><li>Generate ideas for next steps for healing as a couple. She is open to what I suggest but has not offered any ideas of her own.</li></ul><p style="text-align: left;">I have:</p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>attended IC and worked through a book on emotional abuse. I won't call myself an abuser and neither has my therapist, but that's the type of work I did.</li><li>been willing to start from square one to rebuild the marriage, deal with her hurt, deal with mine, new therapist, start from scratch. I have told her this, and she has refused with no counter-idea.</li><li>been incredibly patient and self-controlling while figuring out a plan.</li><li>gotten into much better shape by exercising and eating right. I feel better</li><li>kept myself very busy, but I'm quite lonely. I miss my wife.</li></ul><p></p><p style="text-align: left;">I think my biggest indicator is that I don't feel we're making progress. I don't feel closer, I don't feel understood. I think that if we truly were in reconciliation I would feel those things.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I have started seeing a new IC to help me identify and more clearly ask what I want from her, and help forge a path ahead. These are my thoughts so far.</p></div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/wife-starts-ic-today.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/will-i-be-rejected.html">Next Post >></a><br /></div>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-15730322334235181192021-05-13T07:51:00.001-05:002021-05-15T11:43:48.583-05:00Wife starts IC today<p>5/13/2021</p><p>This afternoon Wife starts individual counseling. It wasn't a demand, but rather I asked her to.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>The situation is that all of our discussions about the marriage and hurt and pain are negative to her. Well, maybe not all, but almost all of them. Among my needs are being able to share hurt and pain, and have that to not be a negative experience for her, and instead bring us closer.</p><p>I feel I do my part, avoid "I" statements, use a gentle start up, talk about the facts, no criticism.</p><p>I asked her to see someone who would help figure out a way to make these discussion constructive (because I can't move forward without them), and for her to learn how to develop some empathy.</p><p>She said she would do that, and today is her first appointment. She saw an IC before for a few sessions, and didn't share any details about it. I expect this to be the same. I'm interested in knowing the details, but I don't need to know and have complete respect for her privacy.</p><p>Maybe through IC she'll discover she no longer wants to be married. I don't want that, but I'm feeling OK with it. At least it is progress in some direction.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/its-very-complicated.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/im-not-sure-were-reconciling.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-33162176148911905322021-05-11T17:29:00.010-05:002021-05-13T07:52:17.474-05:00It's very complicated<p style="text-align: left;">5/11/2021</p><p style="text-align: left;">My feelings on my situation are very complicated.</p><p style="text-align: left;">It is a combination of caring about her and wanting to stay married. It is about knowing that I made mistakes in the marriage and wanting to make things right. It is feeling good about how I've changed, and wanting her to trust those changes are here to stay.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">She has always been truthful with me and I believe she has regret for that night.</span></p><div>But I have a lot of hurt; hurt from the adultery, from her passive indifference to the adultery, and for pain that she has caused me.</div><p>I don't blame her at all for wanting me to make amends for my past behaviors, but I feel like she gave that up when she committed adultery.</p><p>I have a lot of confusion as to why she would tell me about the sex, tell me she loves me and wants to stay married, but then pretty much abandon my needs for healing. I likely would have never found out about the adultery, or maybe I would have, but she chose to come clean and tell me on her own, and I give her credit for that. But then why not help to fix it?</p><p style="text-align: left;">I have a lot of guilt and shame for not being as good a husband as I was called to be, and wanting to make that right to show myself I'm the man I'm supposed to be.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I acknowledge that she has avoided triggers and put away reminders. Her treatment of me is generally kind.</p><div>I feel powerful in a way; I have decided to not think about the financial impact to divorce (it would be significant for me). Understanding what it could mean and still face the worst case scenario is empowering.</div><p style="text-align: left;">I'm very hurt that she hasn't been willing to make changes that will help be a healing force in the marriage.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I feel like I don't know her. The Wife I knew is just like me. She would never, ever go outside the marriage, not to talk, not for anything. This Wife isn't her.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I feel abandoned that she makes no effort to get informed about adultery, the stages of healing, to learn of my pain, to try to identify with it, to show empathy for my hurt. I would love for her to read an article, and then tell me about what she read, and ask how I feel about it.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I feel like I'm not entitled to feeling betrayed, like I mistreated her first, and so this adultery is something I must just ignore and get over. It is a horrible feeling that I'm not able to do that.</p><p>It's very complicated.</p><p><a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/my-story-part-3-of-3.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/wife-starts-ic-today.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-56839336787951627092021-05-08T07:35:00.008-05:002021-05-11T17:32:11.685-05:00My Story Part 3 of 3<p>5/8/2021</p><p>By far the biggest conflict we have is the part the adultery plays in our current situation. To me, the adultery is the star of the show, front and center, the number one issue. To her, our marriage has many issues, the adultery is but one of them. She has said this, and has gotten offended when I have used the expression "affair recovery" as she prefers it be "marriage recovery."<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>We started marriage counseling and that's where I learned that I was being emotionally abusive. After a couple months of sessions I left therapy with that counselor, I lost trust for her and felt that our sessions were very biased. Wife felt it too and wasn't comfortable being part of it. It was a good decision. We have since looked for another marriage counselor but are currently not seeing anybody.</p><p>Still, I felt convicted on making up for my behavior. I attend individual counseling for my abuse issues and am working hard to fix them. I got better control of my emotions.I identified my core fears (feeling weak and helpless) and recognize the controlling tendencies that follow. I get more specific in talking about how I feel. I buy books and read about abuse and affair recovery. I establish some routines so Wife feels safe. I slobber apologies non-stop and ask for forgiveness, which she does.</p><p>She has met my needs in many areas; she treats me nicer, stays away from triggers, removed all reminders, buys things I like, makes meals I like. She lets me track her on her phone. She has also been open sexually which I appreciate because I don't masturbate and haven't for 10 years (religious commitment).</p><p>At first she was very open in telling me everything that happened and it helped a lot. She fought it and didn't want to talk about it, but she did for me and I really give her credit for that. But lately I feel she has fallen short in meeting my needs emotionally. Discussing my hurt, what it meant to me, identifying with my pain has been a struggle since day 1. I have had a couple apologies but generally she doesn't display much remorse or empathy. It never really was a strength of hers since I've known her, but I could really use it now.</p><p>I'm lonely. She goes about her day, meets with friends, goes to book club, we haven't had many date nights. Our conversations are mostly superficial chit-chat. Currently we have negotiated talking 3x a week, but before that we generally talked once every 1.5 weeks about anything real, the longest was almost 4 weeks between any substantial discussion.</p><p>By most accounts, she is over everything and only wants to move forward. She has thrown herself into revitalizing her career now, and doesn't offer much by way of effort or ideas to reconcile.</p><p>I purchased, read, and handed to her the book "How to help your spouse heal from an affair" and it sits on her nightstand, under a layer of dust, with a bookmark around page 5.</p><p>Whenever she brings up her own past hurts I gush with apologies and empathy. When I bring up my hurt or pain she gets defensive and annoyed.</p><p>She wants to be forgiven and have us just move on.</p><p>I'm working on it.</p><p><a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/my-story-part-2-of-3.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="https://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/its-very-complicated.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-65339631071877838772021-05-07T08:12:00.017-05:002021-05-08T21:39:25.443-05:00My Story Part 2 of 3<p>5/7/2021</p><p>My wife is a runner. In my home state all running events are cancelled from covid, but she found some half-marathon on the beach in November, and she could stay at the same condo we stayed before in August (they were nice condos and because of covid the deals were very good). Wife books a trip for herself and my adult daughter, and off they fly.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Fast forward to them returning home, it was a Monday late afternoon, I pick them up at the airport and that night we have unguarded, married-couple sex. A week later on a Saturday afternoon I'm at the table eating a snack, Wife comes in the house and says we need to talk. We go into the bedroom and close the door, and sitting on the floor by the bed she tells me she cheated / had sex while away the previous week.</p><p>She tells me that going back to the same condo as in August, and Jeff was still there. The Wife remembers him, and he her, and they hit it off. During her time at the condo, they hang out a little here and there, and one night while my daughter fell asleep early goes up to his room for drinks, and they end up having sex. Almost immediately after she feels horrible, erases his contact, erases the texts, goes complete no-contact. Returning home, about a week later she decided to come clean and tell me.</p><p>I did not handle it well. She was / is a good Christian woman. I had absolute, complete, blind trust in her. There are no words to describe the complete and thorough shock. The pain was worse than anything I've ever experienced, it is unbelievable how awful adultery feels. I never could have imagined.</p><p>Over the next week or so she tells me everything, and answers all my questions I feel truthfully. STD checks come back clean. She wanted to stay married and I did too, but really hard to have a clear head, the feeling of shock and hurt and loss is unbearable when you first find out.</p><p><a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/my-story-part-1-of-3.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/my-story-part-3-of-3.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-8724096115084002672021-05-06T22:43:00.002-05:002021-05-08T21:34:21.843-05:00My Story Part 1 of 3<p>5/6/2021</p><p>My wife and I are both early 50's and married 21 years before D-Day November 2020 (for those not familiar with infidelity jargon, D-Day stands for "Discovery Day", the day you found out. It's a horrible, horrible day). We have 3 beautiful children.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Probably around year 18 or so, the marriage starts going south, neither of us knows how to fix it, the problems get worse. I make several regrettable mistakes, take her for granted, work too much, focused on my own stuff, don't consider her feelings, control the family money too much. I would later learn in therapy that I was emotionally abusive toward her which was a surprise to me, I would never have considered myself abusive and it certainly didn't feel like it. But things were getting worse.</p><p>She was no angel and had hurt me in several ways too, regardless I own all my behavior towards her and knew we needed to fix things. Toward the middle of 2020 I was emotionally shutting down and she had suggested getting help, I knew we needed help but I never took any action. I figured we could get it when I wasn't so busy with work.</p><p>Early August 2020 we take a family vacation to a beach condo for 2 weeks. One afternoon at the pool we met Jeff, he was staying in the condo alone for a few months and doing some work in the area. He was nice, the wife and I chatted with him for an hour and then we left and I never saw him again.</p><p>End of the vacation we flew home and it was back to typical hectic life.</p><p><a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/hello.html"><< Previous Post</a> -- <a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/my-story-part-2-of-3.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8147768446572895889.post-12551602746237968272021-05-05T08:09:00.010-05:002021-05-08T21:31:09.337-05:00Hello<p>5/4/2021</p><p>I'm writing this to document my journey as a husband who made some horrible mistakes by neglecting my marriage and mistreating my wife. I'm still and hope to stay married, but dealing with the emotional toll has been very difficult.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>I will create a page for my story, but in a nutshell I had some issues with being emotionally abusive, and my wife had an affair.</p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">It shouldn't have taken a sexual betrayal to wake me up.</h3><p><br /></p><p>But it did, and boy did it hurt. My wife and I are trying to reconcile. As of this writing I don't believe she is ready to reconcile, and I feel like I have been driving this myself. It isn't working terribly well.</p><p>So far I've had to wrestle with forgiveness, reconciliation, next steps and continuing to move forward, and my own healing. Emotionally I have experienced searing anger, intense fear, and deep hurt. If it wasn't bad enough, I'm also trying to rebuild a marriage with a wife who I feel acts indifferent.</p><p>So that's the first post here.</p><p><a href="http://www.wreckedmarriage.com/2021/05/my-story-part-1-of-3.html">Next Post >></a><br /></p>Matthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07281348666774414037noreply@blogger.com0