In a surprising twist, Wife seemed to have lost her patience with me and this morning told me "maybe we should D." Now, I probably put the idea in her mind because yesterday I told her that if she's not committed then I want honest answers, rip the band-aid off, I'll be OK.
What led up to it was a discussion about the past several months. She's very frustrated at what she calls a "hostile" home environment, which I acknowledge. I have told her I have a need:
I need to share my hurt and pain. What I need is comfort and reassurance. A hug, some kind words telling me she loves me, not to give up, it won't happen again, she's sorry.
She generally refuses to do that. When I'm upset she has rubbed by arm, foot, sometimes a kind of half-hug, won't really say anything. Basically isn't willing to be a healer. So I get frustrated and try again later, she rejects me, then we end up having a destructive discussion. I bring her a bid maybe once a week, maybe every 5 days. I grow frustrated and hurt, she ignores me, and then a week, week and a half later we end up having this destructive conflict where nothing gets resolved.
She doesn't understand why I need to hear her say things like "I'm sorry" and "It won't happen again." I did some research and sent her a message about the trauma, about how my brain tries to compensate for being wrong (it never thought Wife would cheat, and it was wrong) and so it is in a mode where it wants to know that the marriage is safe, that she's safe, and I won't get hurt again. That's why hearing words like "I'm sorry" and "It won't happen again" are so comforting to me. I went on to write that this has to do with healing, and really nothing to do with shame or the adultery. It is a healing stage, and I think it will pass if I can get what I need.
This morning I tell her that I slept OK but with periods of worry that I'm going to get rejected again, that I'm scared to bring up the hurt that I'll get rejected again. She said "Sorry you're hurting" and I walked over to her in bed and kissed her on the forehead. I was so hoping she would say something, anything, instead she just silently looked back at me. The look of disappointment on my face must have been obvious because she said "Ok, right now, what you are thinking right now?" I said "I'm a little hurt" and she jumped out of bed and said "It always has to be your way, doesn't it?!?" I grew louder and said "No dammit, please stop fucking saying that!".
A few more words exchanged, she blurts out "I don't think this is going to work. I think we should go our separate ways. Rip off the band-aid." I told her I didn't want that and so would have to lead that effort.
Before she left for church she said we can talk this afternoon about what this all might look like and I said "We need to. But let me offer again, as I have before, we have a do-over, start from scratch, start from the top, new therapist, everything. I don't know what else to do or say, and you're not telling me anything."
So, I might be D'ing. It feels scary but I don't want her to be unhappy.
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