To recap: Things were looking up for about a week... end of June, I think June 30th was the day, she was crying at the thought of my daughter leaving home.
She hardly ever cries, this was significant and I told her that she was always a good mother and that we can rebuild our marriage, I need to address the adultery, etc. She said she wanted to. Over the next week or so, she had some very nice things, and good steps toward rebuilding. But a week later it stopped after I shared some pain about her adultery, she thought I called her unprincipled, I thought I said she was being unprincipled, and she pulled away, went silent, and things started to backslide. That was July 9th.
Where we are: It's basically worse than it has ever been. I'm in this very painful situation of feeling in 3rd place in her life priorities. As I mentioned before, it is extremely painful for me to see the effort, energy and ambition she has to put into her career while living with the comparison of how very little effort she puts into making amends for the cheating and putting the marriage back together.
Wed July 28th she gave me a very nice comfort, out of the blue a nice hug and some very nice words about being sorry for everything, sorry she hurt me, etc. I could feel my love tank fill up, hope restore, good feelings return. That was the last time she said anything to help heal the adultery. 11 days. This is after she said she wanted to heal things and rebuild the marriage. It is back to before where everything is just so passive with no action and no initiative.
I told her I feel very 3rd priority, and that there is no concern for my feelings. I also said I'm very concerned about her leaving for 5 weeks, this is very hard on me. The response is just like it has been... nothing. No words of comfort, no words of reassurance.
We're at a crossroads now with her leaving next Sunday for 5 weeks. I really don't see a path forward and so for me it is basically just getting the stones to file for divorce. I've already seen a lawyer, I know what it will look like.
It is very frustrating and hurtful because she can fix this easily. All she has to do is come to the table and put forth an effort. I am so tired of telling her things... she doesn't want to hear them, she takes very little action, and in general doesn't want to deal with anything.
I feel like with some small exceptions, we have made very little progress. If these 5 weeks go the way I think they will go she will ignore me, she'll call and never mention any concern about my troubles, she'll be irritated that I'm not telling her how happy I am for her, etc.
My plan is just to let nature take its course. While she's gone I'll do some work on divorce papers, do some thinking about next steps without her, that kind of thing. I don't have much choice in the matter any more.