I'm Not Sure We're Reconciling


It takes two to make a marriage work. I feel like I'm the only one working, but I'm not really sure what it is supposed to look like. She is working on the marriage in her own way, she is:

  • giving me space around selling our house and moving (she's wanted to move for years)
  • treating and speaking to me nicely
  • being sensitive to triggers and reminders
  • praying for hers and our healing
  • open with me regarding her whereabouts and coming-and-goings

She's made requests of me:

  • Asked me to hire out a bunch of work around the house to get done. I did.
  • She wants to move out of state. I have agreed to
  • She wants to move to a condo on the beach. Still a trigger for me but I said I would work on it to be able to. I would need to buy/rent a studio for me and she was OK with that.
  • She wants to talk about the future. I have if she brings it up.
  • She wants me to let the past be the past, forgive her and move on. I'm trying.

I have made requests of her:
  • Agree to be a healer. She has told me she isn't sure she can do that, that only God can do that.
  • Attend IC to learn how to be more empathetic to me. She has attended her first session
  • Talk about my hurt and pain. She let's me talk but rarely shares. It is very unsatisfying for me. She calls it a lecture, calls it negative and unhelpful.
  • I suggested she read the Linda MacDonald book. She has not, I finally took it back from her nightstand after about 3 months of it collecting dust. I'm disappointed, it's a very small book.
  • See our circumstances as "Affair counseling" vs. "Marriage counseling" and she has told me she is not able to.
  • Generate ideas for next steps for healing as a couple. She is open to what I suggest but has not offered any ideas of her own.

I have:

  • attended IC and worked through a book on emotional abuse. I won't call myself an abuser and neither has my therapist, but that's the type of work I did.
  • been willing to start from square one to rebuild the marriage, deal with her hurt, deal with mine, new therapist, start from scratch. I have told her this, and she has refused with no counter-idea.
  • been incredibly patient and self-controlling while figuring out a plan.
  • gotten into much better shape by exercising and eating right. I feel better
  • kept myself very busy, but I'm quite lonely. I miss my wife.

I think my biggest indicator is that I don't feel we're making progress. I don't feel closer, I don't feel understood. I think that if we truly were in reconciliation I would feel those things.

I have started seeing a new IC to help me identify and more clearly ask what I want from her, and help forge a path ahead. These are my thoughts so far.

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