It's What She Doesn't Say that Hurts


My wife is putting in tons of effort to re-engage her career. After 18 years of being a stay at home mom, in the wake of the adultery, she feels it is time to do this.

I have no problem with this, having some extra money is a very good thing. However, I have had this thought that her passion interest in her career is so that she can be in a better position to divorce. Should we divorce, I'm not against this either because the more money she makes, the easier it is on me with spousal maintenance / alimony. But this isn't what I want, I want to make it work.

She went gung-ho on getting back to work without talking about it with me or how I felt about it, she just made the decision and started on it full speed ahead. This means she is networking, making calls, studying, getting back up to speed, going to training, etc. and it is very hectic around the house with her activities. She's got books all over the place, calls from people constantly, she's really busy with it. Generally I would have expected that we would talk about this type of thing first, but with adultery all bets are off.

She started this pursuit maybe 3.5 months after D-Day, and fixing the marriage didn't really have much initiative before, and it has even less now. I have told her that I have a huge concern that with her going back to work, the marriage reconciliation is going to take a big back seat.

Here's what kills me... after I admit something like that, I would have thought that her response would be something along the lines of "Oh my gosh, no... I have every intention of keeping this going" or "No, not at all, I don't want you to feel that way" or "I love you, I want to make this work, but this is one of my last opportunities" or something like that. You know, hear what I'm saying, address my concern, use a little empathy, bring us closer.

Instead the response is a much more sterile, cold, "Huh, intersting." I have also gotten "Yeah, I understand that." This has happened probably four times now, and each time it doesn't change, she has responded very coldly.

The last time this happened was just today. She's starting to prepare for interviews and buying interview guides and paying for websites and coaching, and I said "Well, it won't be long now before you get hired somewhere, where do you suppose that leaves us?" "What do you mean?" "Well I kinda figured that all of our marriage efforts will stop, and as soon as you made a workable salary, you'll be outta here." Predictably, she responds with "I'm sorry you feel that way."

And that's about it, no emotion, no empathy, no care, just... nothing. There's nothing I can do with. I have very little to work with here.

So it's what she doesn't say that hurts. It hurts because my feelings aren't important to her. It hurts because we don't grow closer with these discussions. It hurts because it forces me to confront that the marriage might be over.

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